I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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