how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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