So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
