My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
