five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
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