Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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