actually, I'm a sock model
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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