If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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