Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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