Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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