get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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