Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
