I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
