hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
