You just made me feel so damn special
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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