so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize