So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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