My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
