Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
