just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
