my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
