If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
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