Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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