GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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