I just saw a hot homeless man
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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