"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
