Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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