His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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