Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
