I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
