just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
