I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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