Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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