i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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