look no pants
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
