gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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