I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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