Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
