one might say we're banned from that church
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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