It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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