I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
