i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
