i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
