And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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