Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
