sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
