just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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