so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
