dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
