Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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