She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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