i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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