This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
