I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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