Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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