I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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