I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
