I could have mohawked her pubes.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I party with great urgency now.
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