If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
