Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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