i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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