and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
