I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
