Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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