If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
