And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
